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Ode to “Knocker”

(Published with his permission!)

Here is a humorous contribution in  honour of Knocker from a talented member of the ADA team who shall remain anonymous …

There was this man called D M J,  

Who left the Navy one fine day,  

Waving his fellow Jacks goodbye,  

He left the barracks with a sigh,  

He applied for jobs did this ex-sailor,

Then came a call from Ivor Taylor  

"Work for me and you'll have it made,  

Join WSTG and work on SPADE",  


Now this to Knocker did appeal,  

For auto detectors he had a feel  

He joined the group and the very next day,

He jumped on a plane and was on his way,

First stop Glasgow and HMS FIFE,  

For Knocker this really was the life,  

His craft he took from ship to ship,  

Giving everyone the tip,  


Then he got this funny notion,  

That he was due for promotion,  

He arrived well ahead of cue,  

Down in Bath for the interview,  

His hopes were high, they really soared,

Until he argued with the board,  

He was demented, nay, round the twist,  

But his name came out on the list,  


His wait was short for by and by,  

He was confirmed an SPI,  

For those of you who are rather new,  

That’s equivalent to a PTO 2,  

After Bristol it was off to Barrow,  

The cold, biting right into the marrow,

On Sundays the digs had nothing to eat,

So out we set on weary feet,  


To the Chinese restaurant most of us went,

But on Patrick's Pantry was Knocker bent,

How he enjoyed it nobody’s knowing,  

But his descriptions were always glowing,

Talking of food and cups of tea,  

There is no better place than the UCP,  

But let us get back, before we stray,  

To the central subject of this day,  


I'm sure we all remember still,  

Knocker and simulators in Cairo Mill,  

This is one of the things we find,  

That sticks forever in our mind,  

But, before we get into a fix,  

Let's move on to D 86,  

HMS BIRMINGHAM in all its glory,  

Is the next stage of our story,


It's very well known by and large,  

That it was Knocker who was in charge,  

He weighed it up and said "Let's see,  

We'll start at eight with no cups of tea,

And work right through 'til half past four,

There's overtime if you want some more",

On the day of the HAT it all fell apart,

Just as we were about to start,  


Knocker was just about having fits,  

As Roy dismantled the store into bits,  

Two days later we were all relieved,  

When Dennis announced "Standards achieved",

BIRMINGHAM sailed to the southern water,

And Knocker's outlook began to alter,  

We thought it's cos he's forever at home,

Without any detached duty to roam,  


 But now we find it's much more deep,

It appears he had a secret to keep,  

With all this admin, so compelling,  

And the occasional correction to Stuart's spelling,

He's been filling in his hours,  

Thinking of bouquets of flowers,  

We found it out quite by chance,  

As, with a searching sidelong glance,


Geoff said he'd overheard,  

That Knock's had got himself a bird,  

So there it is, the secrets out,  

Of this there is no doubt,  

But more's to come 'ere ends this tale,

The final chapters beyond the pale,  

For, in a few days hence,  

Disregarding all expense,  


In an event not to miss,  

Knocker's to enter married bliss,  

There's nothing more to be said,  

The story's over, and so to bed.